Casual clothes not appropriate for nice restaurant

 

Q. You wrote recently that a man should not “dress down in an athletic-looking fleece hoodie to a restaurant.” Can you explain to men how embarrassing it is when they wear shorts to a nice restaurant? I know that jackets (let alone ties) are rarely required in most fine restaurants anymore, but that doesn't mean they should wear shorts and a T-shirt.

A. As you can certainly guess, I strongly agree with you. Clothes may be distinguished in several different ways. Not only are they divided into attractive and unattractive categories, but, of even more importance, they are often divided into appropriate and inappropriate. Closely linked to whether or not a garment is appropriate is where it is being worn. I have always insisted that men – in fact, both men and women – should consider whether they are dressed appropriately, especially if it reflects on more than just themselves.

"Everyday" and favorite clothes do not suit every occasion. For instance, hoodies and shorts are garments that any man might want to have in his closet. Some are strictly for super-casual shooting-baskets-in-the-driveway wear, and some are attractive and versatile enough to wear for more occasions. But, even the most attractive of these are not appropriate choices for wearing to a nice restaurant.

When trying to determine a garment’s appropriateness, a key element is respect. Respect for the location itself and the other people who are in attendance. If you are dressed totally casually when pulling into a fast-food drive-thru, no one will notice or care. However, if you dress that way in a nice restaurant, you are being disrespectful to the place itself and also to the other people who are dining there . . . maybe even enough to somewhat diminish their enjoyment of a festive evening out. Why would you want to do that? I can hear men responding, "to be comfortable," but wonder whether their nicer clothing is that uncomfortable and whether they and their companions are really comfortable.

Specifically, I know that wearing shorts is a thorny issue for men. Many love the comfort, and I've even been presented with, "What's the difference between a nice polo and shorts vs. a sun dress?" On the one hand, I see their point, on the other hand . . . No, I don't. We are all aware that young men (boys) who are dressing for their proms pay attention to looking their best. That makes me wonder: where does this instinct go when they “grow up” and forget how, and why, to look good?

I’ve noticed another subtle expression of this same impolite attitude. Recently I attended a religious special event on Zoom, and again became aware of a jarring pattern. The women were all nicely “dressed up” in good-looking outfits and beautiful high-heeled shoes, while many of their escorts wore casual sweatshirt-like tops – without jackets and, worse, with sneakers. In my opinion, this sends a few messages: among them, a lack of respect for the occasion, for the location, for the other guests in attendance, and, in particular, for the person they are escorting. While there is often a certain discrepancy between the way the two halves of a couple are dressed, I cannot imagine that one’s partner would be happy with what appears to be a disregard for their social time spent together. 

Is a necktie an appropriate gift? Short answer: Yes

 

Q. I would like to show appreciation to a gentleman who gave me free advice about investing. A gift of homemade cookies doesn't feel quite right. Do you think a tie is an appropriate gift, or is it too personal? 

A. It is interesting that you used the term “too personal.” I remember it as an old expression that my mother used, to refer to inappropriate gifts. Her interpretation of what items were too personal was far more limiting than mine. I believe it not only depends upon the type of item, but also the relationship between the giver and the receiver of the gift. 

Intimate clothing, such as pajamas, a robe, undergarments, etc. are examples. While they are certainly fine for a gift to a husband, a loved one, or a close family member, they definitely are too personal for a business relationship, such as a boss/employee, an acquaintance, or, as in your case, a semi-business thank-you. I can think of a lot of clothing that could come under the appropriate gift category (depending, of course, upon price), and neckties are certainly among those. 

I would say, ties are very high on my list. Even though many (if not most) men these days have given up wearing them, as a regular reader, I'm sure you know that I am a big fan of good-looking ties. It is my strong opinion that men, most of whom make all sorts of efforts to present themselves as not merely one-of-the-crowd, but rather as sharp individuals, do themselves a major disservice by skipping this easiest of all methods to set one’s self apart in a way that others will notice and admire. When a fine $800 suit may possibly go unnoticed, a really handsome necktie will not. Why forgo such an easy opportunity? So, yes, I would say that a tie could well be a wise choice, especially for a man in the financial industry, one of the fields where wearing a tie is still rather expected. When I give a man a tie, I often tuck into the package a small item called “The Tie Thing”; it is a tiny collection of cloth necktie-restraining devices that invisibly hold a tie in place. 

There are other equally less personal clothing gifts. These include cufflinks, a casual watch, fun socks, a scarf, and gloves. These also depend upon how well the giver knows the taste of the person who will be receiving the gift. Good gift ideas do not have to be pieces of clothing or accessories to  demonstrate your appreciation. Less personal gifts include a Swiss Army knife, tickets to a sports event or a concert, gourmet food items, wine, a magazine subscription, pens (say, a luxe-but-affordable Cross pen). Something as extravagant as a Montblanc pen, while certainly thoughtful, can be too much of an assumption. 

There's a risk in buying something so fine that the receiver will feel required to wear/show it off. And gift items may sometimes be wrong, not because they are too personal, but because they’re the sort of things one keeps in his pocket and physically/actually handles often; they are closely tied to an individual’s personal preferences. Examples are key chains, money clips, and perhaps even wallets. Each person usually likes to choose these for himself. Even so, I did once receive a rather lavish genuine crocodile checkbook cover that I thoroughly enjoyed owning, not only because it was so handsome, but because it was far more luxurious than any checkbook cover I would ever splurge on for myself. 

Whether or not you wrap each individual item in gift wrap, you might find a decorative paper gift bag to tuck them into. It makes for a nice presentation.   

It is generally thought that the perfect gifts are indeed those one will enjoy, but would not necessarily buy for oneself.  If there is a tie pattern, color, style that you think would flatter the friend providing advice and not too similar or dissimilar from his style, that sounds perfect.